2011年10月16日 星期日

Every words

Every words I obeying them would take away my strength to build up myself. I remember well that they often call up and ask me to follow their will. This makes me sick and weak. They had huge impact on me. The only thing I can do is to say yes but do it as I wish secretly. The only right thing they told is 'don't waste your time', yeah, don't waste a second on things you don't think it's right to do. For me, it'd be following their will.

That's a huge waste of energy and time. You spend half of your time to maintain their wish, and 30% to feel depressed and lost, 10% to feel alone, and you have less than 10% for your own life and goals. That's a shame. It shall be a fight or a war against them a few years earlier. As long as I would not be a vagabond or hippie. I had thought about that when I was 19. Were I done so I'd probably never be back...no, I might need to do this to make myself and them realize something. It would probably take a few weeks on street but it might be worth it. At least I don't need to spend years in leisure but doing nothing in practical. I need to elope with my dream and the pure part of soul.

I know they are worried and concerned about my future. But they had killed me too many times. I had so many chances and time to do what I really shall do but eventually I wasted them all. Such a coward I was, and such a fool I am now.

Yes...I am also worried about if one day this woman would not be Sunya, or anything happened that makes me fail to bring her with me, what shall I do? That's possible, and it makes me worried. Because It's not just my business now. That's the foolish reason I didn't want to take anyone with me these years because I think I am not 100% sure I am capable of bring her with me as I had wanted to - a life long warranty. Innocent stupidity? Yeah, maybe. I thought it would be my sole business to get prepared but I was wrong. I didn't realize that it was more of the business of the two to get prepared together. They had to cooperate, trust, and love each other. There are only a few special people who can get prepared alone, and I am not among those people, I had known this for a long time but I just don't want to admit it - that I need someone so much.

I don't want to make anyone feel sad again. I am not strong enough to bear her on my shoulder all the time or to stand the loneliness after departure. I am truly running out of time and I could realize why men abandon their complementary part easily...that'd give them more time for pleasure or freshness and less effort to pay for the burden of responsibility. When they are ready to settle down they'd find a nice young woman who are capable of bearing them children and who may have fortune to give them pleasant life.

I am fragile and weak at this moment. Can't even protect myself from shit things or take the one I considered important with me. I should have become a strong man if I had rebelled when I had to do in the past few years, say, at least 7 to 10 years ago.

I am so weak that I can't even bear to think of that I might give up after a series of failure.

If it had not been Sunya I wouldn't realize what I had failed to accomplish must be rebuild as soon as possible. I think I am not following their will anymore, nor shall I take their financial support anymore. (hold there, isn't that the way they make me obeying their wishes and dreams since I was a child? If I quit EE or ME, they are going to cut my financial support and saying I am such a bastard not to take their advice, not being a role model of my younger bros and sis, not being smooth and nice...etc.) They've been wronging me for years and I shan't let them do so anymore. Don't waste a second on their inappropriate guidance. Just take what is right and clear out what is out of date in the present world.

Take it easy. I have to do what I shall do, secretly or publicly. I know it and I am doing it. I shall waste not a minute on things irrelevant. When obstacles are on my way I'd clear them. That's it. Do it as I shall do, like a man.

Could it be Sunya? The ingenue (French: innocent young girl) I once found with all the possibilities condensed on her. Beauty, wisdom, loyalty, healthy, young and smart, kind-hearted. I wish to see those possibilities again but I still can't recognized some of them now. I am so frustrated with this problem though currently I have more urgent issues.

Please be the one, Sunya. Though the thought may be too burdened for you. I grew dreary when I think about the issue. If that's God's will, he put us together again but give me no strength nor confidence to make it work as I wish. I don't know if I could do it alone...There must be some issues I have to accomplish alone. I know this might be one of them. After I accomplish this (If that day had come), what will be the next right thing to do?

It seems I have little chance, but anyway I have to try hard till I die of overtoil. (If Sunya is the one then she'd have way of preventing that happens.) It seems that I had never really been in love. Nor do I ever feel happy, all I could have is depression and the weight of 'responsibility'.

As an eldest son with take (waste?) the most investment from his parents, as a person who quest his own dreams, answers, and accomplishments, and as a boy who strives not to be a man when he likes some girl, but now strive to be a man who is capable of being loved and love others, esp. a woman who worths his love and would accept it heartfully.

Go! Fight what you have to fight for! That's a 24 years old man shall do. Don't think about failure, suicide or shit things anymore!

沒有留言:

張貼留言